from the chaos journals

words scratched from my forehead like athena but i am no zeus, just one lost photograph looking for time

20060122

no premeditation

hey,

i wanted to take a moment to thank you for drifting thru my chaos - so to both those who comment and those who just read: Thank you and now's your chance.

thanks to jason evans and his Caroline, i have the urge to serialize a story but i can't figure out which one. so far there are 9 fiction excerpts from the chaos journals on this site. please take a moment and let me know which one i should continue with, which one you want to find out what happens next.

-mysfit

20060116

Faith

"There's something in the way she looks at you. Something in the way she orientates herself to you, turning her shoulders just like that, just one way or the other, as if physically defining your role in her world. And after a few weeks of knowing her - well, you just know that it is really her world that you walk through, that you try to change, that you struggle to exist in. And the way she talks! That tone! - 'Don't stress it' - I can't even come close...

"Everyone who meets her, they know. They know she's got a great big heart, big enough to trap us all, big enough to set everyone free. They can tell - you'd be able to tell, if you spent like ten minutes with her, with those eyes on you, with those - those - you know it's odd that for all this time I can't remember what color they are, but it's alright - it's not the color that matters, just those eyes and her lips slightly pursed when she listens.

"Oh and she listens hard, hard like you're the only important thing in the universe - like what you mean is the only meaning that matters - like her whole being is focused solely on your words, your gestures - those eyes reading beyond your ability to commune, reaching in and pulling out everything you're trying to hide, everything you're trying to say, to be.

"It's a strange feeling really. Kinda like being suspended, hanging in the moment right before the fall - at the top of the arch, if you know what I mean. You know how, when you toss something in the air, there's a moment of suspension right before gravity catches the thing, dragging it back down to the terrestrial plane. Like - indecision, yeah - like if given a choice the thing would keep going and you'd never see it again - and right then, gravity's not sure if it cares. That's what it's like when talking to her, but then, BAM! She always catches you with a word, dragging you back down to earth - with a word she could smash mountains - but her eyes make sure that you land softly. You got it?

"You know, but I can tell - I can see the sorrow behind those kind eyes, those strict and lovely cheek-bones - and it wears on me. I just know, not sure how, but she's fighting in there, fighting the big fight - fighting for all of us, if you catch my drift - for all of us: you, me, everything. But if we knew, it'd tear us apart, right? And if she loses... well, let's just hope she doesn't eh? Just talk to her, for like ten minutes - if you'd talk to her - you'll know - there's no way she's gonna lose. She just won't, not when it's all of us on the line. So, yeah, I'm glad she's on our side.

"But, it's hard being friends with the messiah. There you have it - sorry you asked, eh? Ah well, just go talk to her."

20060108

It was a bright and shiny day when she first found herself unable to move.

Well, that's what she told herself after she closed her eyes again. It was a bright and shiny day.

It almost worked. Almost enough for the blood on the walls to lose color and the straps to loosen. She took a deep breath, feeling the clothe press aginst her face restricting her breath and then releasing as she breathed out. Slowly, she wiggled her way out from under the picnic blanket, eyes closed. As she moved, the gaping wounds on her body stretched into sleep-ache from laying too long on the ground. The tigling sensation in her calves was the last to leave her and she opened her eyes, just a little, to investigate. The late afternoon sun blinded her for a moment, but when it cleared, there were no brands - no words glowing in angry red on her lower legs - just scrapes from climbing the tree. Man, had mom been mad about that one. She giggled a little at that.

"It amazing," said a shadow off to her right. "It's simply amazing, how you go from dead asleep to giggly in less time than it takes for you to fall asleep."

She rolled over and onto one elbow to look at him, her vision clearning enough to make out details. She knew him - it was nice to know somebody today. His voice was not altogether pleasent when he spoke to her, as if she had slighted him by either falling asleep or waking up. Perhaps both.

"I was dreaming," she said faintly.

"You always dream, Violet." he replied, titling his head back and sighing. "what about this time?"

"About-" but a monarch butterfly dazzled while playing in a last ray of the dying sun and flew off, taking her attention with it.